Mending Wall by Robert Frost

Something there is that doesn't love a wall, 
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it, 
And spills the upper boulders in the sun, 
And makes gaps even two can pass abreast. 
The work of hunters is another thing: 
I have come after them and made repair 
Where they have left not one stone on a stone, 
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding, 
To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean, 
No one has seen them made or heard them made, 
But at spring mending-time we find them there. 
I let my neighbor know beyond the hill; 
And on a day we meet to walk the line 
And set the wall between us once again. 
We keep the wall between us as we go. 
To each the boulders that have fallen to each. 
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls 
We have to use a spell to make them balance: 
'Stay where you are until our backs are turned!' 
We wear our fingers rough with handling them. 
Oh, just another kind of out-door game, 
One on a side. It comes to little more: 
There where it is we do not need the wall: 
He is all pine and I am apple orchard. 
My apple trees will never get across 
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him. 
He only says, 'Good fences make good neighbors'. 
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder 
If I could put a notion in his head: 
'Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it 
Where there are cows? 
But here there are no cows. 
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know 
What I was walling in or walling out, 
And to whom I was like to give offence. 
Something there is that doesn't love a wall, 
That wants it down.' I could say 'Elves' to him, 
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather 
He said it for himself. I see him there 
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top 
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed. 
He moves in darkness as it seems to me~ 
Not of woods only and the shade of trees. 
He will not go behind his father's saying, 
And he likes having thought of it so well 
He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."

There’s a large body of research that debates whether all the social networking enhances person-to-person relationships or whether the online quipping back and forth creates relationships that don’t really exist in the “real world.”  In a mid sized Midwestern City, my alma-mater hosted a reunion event for alums, a “home coming” if you will.  A weekend such as this holds fun and excitement; many recently reconnected friends and I contemplated a number of wonderful events in the months leading to the weekend.  Family picnics, tailgating, happy hours and much reminiscing (plus some harmless flirting with old loves) were planned.  Facebook had brought us all back together online and we couldn’t wait to see each other in person.  Although, in the back of my mind, I knew very little would actually happen.  One happy hour dinner with a friend who’d traveled in from out-of-state and that was pretty much the extent of the weekend.  I blame it on the walls.

Over the years, I’ve built the walls, and as much as anyone, enjoy the cool smoothness of the rock and replacing any little gap.  Like many, I’ve had friends and/or family members who have used the gap in the wall to climb through and hurt me.  Some create the little fissures, and do just enough damage to rock the foundation, with no obvious evidence of their handiwork.  This doesn’t feel quite true though.  (This sounds like a fake excuse, like this is what the reason is supposed to be, even though it’s not.)

The Deep Dark Truth

Relationships take work; it’s easier to keep a simple wall up than to find ways around the daily obstacles that make relationships difficult.  Between my job, my husband, my kids, my siblings and my mother, and the vital responsibilities I carry with them, I do not have the energy required to maintain more than one or two other real friendships.  As much as I wanted to stay out late Friday evening and paint the town, the reality was I was dead tired after a long week and knew that I would have to get up early with the kids on Saturday.

The wall isn’t built from hurt, hatred and avoidance; the wall is built with projects, Boy Scout meetings, trips to Wal-Mart, band concerts, doctor’s appointments, work, homework, housework, more trips to Wal-Mart, it’s too hot to go out, it’s too cold to go out, it’s too wet to go out, and on and on. Good fences make good neighbors?   I have neighbors?

On the rare occasion I’ve made it over the wall to fun and freedom, coming back to my side of the wall afterward becomes harder and harder.  Not that I’m looking to make a break from my life (I would never say that-I might think it, but I would never say it) but stepping outside the walls I’ve built makes it harder to come back inside, which always does happen.  It’s that whole “grass is greener” thing; I just can’t see other people’s walls, but I know they exist.

So to friends I missed this weekend, I’ll see you in Facebook land, from safe behind my walls.   I’ll say I’m bummed to have missed you if you say you are bummed to have missed me, and as long as you promise to put a colon with a right parenthesis after it.  Otherwise, I won’t know if you are sincere.  :)